Forty-eight years and I’m finally getting over it…the green eyed monster that has kept from appreciating so many wonderful people.
I’ve always had amazing friends – talented, intelligent, kind, beautiful friends. But while I love them, sometimes I would feel such ugliness. I have been such a jealous, envious person. Here’s a confession: I even screwed two friends over because of my nasty feelings. That’s hard to admit but it’s true.
In high school I used to call the popular girls “plastic people.” I made fun of the whole concept of cheerleading and beauty contests. I knew I could never be one of them. As a matter of fact, someone told me back in those days that it was a good thing I was smart because I’d never get anywhere on my looks. So I tried to be as anti-pretty as possible, attempting to convince myself I was morally superior rejecting superficiality. Deep inside I still felt so inferior.
But things are changing in my life . . . things are changing in my soul.
The other day in yoga we were asked to sit and stare into the eyes of our yoga partner. I was sooo uncomfortable. My hands were sweating and I had the constant urge to laugh and say something funny. Proving the universe has a point to make, my partner was a beauty queen and former cheerleader. But as I looked into her eyes, I saw that deep inside she wasn’t that much different from me…I knew she felt uncomfortable too. She laughs and cries and worries about being laughed at…and all those feelings I have.
She looked into me and saw my pain – the scary stuff I try hard to hide. I was living my nightmare…being vulnerable and transparent in front of one of those people who always intimidated me. Why does that frighten me so much? Am I so afraid of my reflection? Has this always been about my own insecurity? In a word “YES!” But during the yoga exercise, I was insecure but not envious or jealous. I felt only warmth toward my partner.
Embrace the glorious mess that you are! – Elizabeth Gilbert
Now I could write more about the solution, but I think it’s so very evident. I won’t go through a lot of narration because there are so many layers. To the point:
I’m learning to be accepting of and compassionate toward others because
FINALLY I’m starting to accept and love myself.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete” ~ Buddha
As with all my life lessons….to be continued…