It’s all in your head

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I haven’t been running. I haven’t been blogging.  I haven’t been doing much of anything. I injured my knee somewhere along the line and  gave up.  I could have stayed positive and rode my bike or rowed or …something…but no, I sat on my butt, mind filled with negativity, believing all was lost… and gained 20 lbs.

But even though I sound like the original Negative Nelly (no offense to Nellies everywhere) I believe that something positive can be gleaned from any experience and this knee thing is no exception.  I just finished six weeks of physical therapy and that was quite the learning experience.

Further along in the PT process we started working on balance. The first day of balance work, I was frustrated. I could not stand on that darn leg. So per the therapist’s instructions, I turned so I could hold onto the table if necessary. Well, suddenly I found perfect balance. I never had to touch the table. Just knowing it was there was enough for me.

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So we control our bodies…..

Tossing and turning, unable to sleep, .I decided there was absolutely no reason my mind couldn’t make my body sleep. My mind controlled the most sophisticated bodily functions. Why couldn’t it just put me to sleep for a few hours? And boom…I was asleep. This doesn’t ALWAYS work, mind you, but I no longer take Benadryl nightly.

Then this weekend while running, I realized that I focused my right knee and it’s lack of function during these run/walk training sessions. So I focused on my left knee and it’s ability. I moved on to noticing the birds, the flowers, Cupcake’s wagging tail. And I ended up running the whole three miles without any walking  – longest and fastest solid run since surgery. And best of all, completely pain-free!

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Sparky just hanging out.

It’s all in my head…

I believed I would fall, until I believed I was safe. I believed I would feel pain, until I just shut up about it.

So I’m going to focus on happy endings and possibilities and I’ll strap Negative Nelly to the railroad tracks.

 

 

“Of course there must be lots of Magic in the world,” he said wisely one day, “but people don’t know what it is like or how to make it. Perhaps the beginning is just to say nice things are going to happen until you make them happen. I am going to try and experiment.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

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Who’s Watching the Big Dog?

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I worry about their safety, so I keep them on leashes when we go out in the pastures.

I was never a good babysitter. I remember once watching my neighbor’s youngest son and daughter. I sat back as they raced around my house spraying each other with air fresheners.  We probably should have all died of asphyxia.

I do a little better with dogs….well, a “LITTLE.” I let them run around like wild ones sometimes because I think they need to do that. And it’s hilarious to watch. But I am a pretty good fur-baby-mom. I make sure they have shots, I buy expensive healthy foods, limit treats (even though at times, a long lasting busy bone would be the ideal thing to make Cupcake stop bouncing off Sparky’s head). I try to keep them safe from harm and I won’t even go out of town overnight because I worry.

But who’s babysitting the babysitter?

I appear to take really good care of myself. I run and lift weights and eat healthy sometimes. But if you really know me, you can see through that facade. I can eat a dozen cupcakes followed up by a bag of Doritos…which often leads back to chocolate because you have to change the salty taste in your mouth to sweet (or vice versa.)  And if there is anything decadent in the house, I feel the compulsion to eat ALL OF IT!  I have this rationale that I should rid the house of it so I can start eating healthy tomorrow.  Why can’t I take loving care of myself like I do my pets? By the same token, why can’t I let myself run wild like I did the kids that day?

The past few days I’ve rewarded myself for being alive by feeding myself large quantities of fat and sugar.  Or maybe I just thought that feeding my negative emotions would keep their mouths busy chewing so they’d shut up for a while. I’ve completely overdone it.  And I can feel it…my stomach feels queasy, I’m tired and lethargic, and I noticed I was breathing harder on my runs.

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Sometimes you just have to tell them to back down!

But I don’t just abuse myself. I allow other people to treat me with disrespect. There’s a saying “talk to him/her like a dog.” Well, I don’t talk to my dogs the way others have spoken to me recently, with my permission.

During this time of self-abuse, I have been loved by wonderful friends.  I honestly don’t deserve the love of these women, but I guess ‘grace’ extends into all areas of life.  And these sisters teach me much.

Thanks to my friends,  I believe...

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I could adorn myself with flowers and ride in the back of the pickup, smiling into the wind.

…things are going to change. I’m going to learn take care of myself…healthy diet, healthy living, boundaries, and the permission to run wild. I started this blog to learn life lessons, I just didn’t expect to be pushed into a journey that feels this large.

But I’ll take it one step at a time and just breathe and focus on love…loving myself, loving others, forgiving myself, forgiving others…and moving on.

When lightning strikes my sleepy little mind . . .

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I’m not really sure what’s going on lately but SOMEBODY out there is trying to get me wake up and pay attention. Seems each day presents a new lesson.

I’m new to this blogging business and I’ll probably be the only person to ever read this but at least I’ll be able to track these lessons and miracles of synchronicity.

Guess I’ll start with the title…When I grow up, I want to be a dog. The other morning I was running and started thinking about how wonderful life would be if I could go into each day as if that day was the first day of school. Each morning, I’d start with sharpened pencils and a mind open to new adventures. I’d walk through my life ready to make new friends at every turn. I’d join clubs and take naps and get outside during recess regardless of the weather. Each moment would be be exciting!

And then I saw it…the meme that made me realize my spiritual goal in this life: I want to grow up to be a dog!

“We live our lives as if nothing is a miracle, dogs live their lives as if everything is a miracle.”

Quote by aplacetolovedogs.com  Read more at http://www.aplacetolovedogs.com/2010/05/dogs-inspirational-original-2/1486590638/#AJHVfIkyFCUuuGzI.99

So that’s the goal… to seek miracles. NO – not “seek”…to SEE miracles. The miracles are there. I just have to wake up and see them.  And so I’ll share miracles here and lessons I’m learning. I’ll try to be honest as I’m capable of being. Of course, the dog version of me would be perfectly belly-up, butt-sniffing honest. I’m working on it.

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