Be Here Now…Take My Hand

When Freddie died, I ran. I’ve always been a runner, but never long distance. My longest run before he passed was ten miles and that only happened twice. But after he died, I had a lump in my throat and an invisible hand covering my mouth, keeping me from gasping and gulping in the grief that I feared would never end. So I ran… half marathons, 30Ks and then two marathons. I was training for an ultra when the arthritis in my feet and knees quit responding to steroid shots and sidelined me. But the act of running – breathing hard, gasping for breath, sweating profusely allowed my whole body – every cell of my being – to cry.

Then I threw myself into the formation of a local nonprofit. I took the love for my brother and carried it to people in my community, delivering groceries to families. The same way I pushed through 26 mile runs, I pushed through days of illness and sadness and family emergencies to deliver these goods. During seven years, I missed one event because I couldn’t get off work.

I spent my money, my time, my love on that project.

Sadly a series of unfortunate events and lack of communication convinced me that I needed to step away from the group. Then six months later the charity as I knew it, dissolved. My heart was broken. I felt lost. I’ve lived from mission to mission. Where do I go from here?

I ran to cry and carried food to love. But there is so much more…

The next step is to BE HERE NOW. Suddenly my world is inundated with reminders that my mission is just this…this breath, this step, this moment, this tear, this heart’s flutter.

“Take my hand. We will walk. We will only walk. We will enjoy our walk without thinking of arriving anywhere.”

Thich Nhat Hanh